Candice describes having cancer as living in a bubble of sleep, waking up, doctor’s appointments, repeat. I’m not sure how people manage to work or have any semblance of a life while going through cancer treatment. One is operating under a new normal that doesn’t feel normal at all. It changes you in ways you don’t expect and fighting that change is futile. Cancer can consume your thoughts and your energy for anything other than treatment and recovery, explained Candice.
Diagnosed with Stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma on her tongue’s right side in December 2021, Candice initially underwent surgery to remove over half of her tongue and reconstruct a new tongue from her forearm skin. She had a full neck dissection to remove more than 40 lymph nodes (which, thankfully, had no evidence of cancer).
Candice left the hospital after eight days with a feeding tube, a tracheostomy and other wounds from surgery which required care. Her recovery was slow.
I had to attempt to re-learn simple things like talking, eating, and breathing. I wanted to rush it. I wanted to be able to eat and talk and do the things I normally would do. I was frustrated when my trach wasn’t ready to come out right away, said Candice. I hated that I would need to nap after simple tasks like taking a shower.
After eight weeks, I started 33 treatments of daily radiation and weekly chemotherapy infusions of cisplatin for six weeks. Exhausting! And then treatment was over. It was time to begin the real healing. And let me tell you, it’s a marathon.
Candice now feels extremely lucky and grateful that her cancer was treatable and she is cancer free. She has a wonderful support system and was able to focus on her treatment and recovery.
I am a positive person by nature and managed to keep my spirits up. I really did rest and recuperate like a good patient because I knew that’s what my body needed. And frankly, I didn’t have the energy for anything else, added Candice.
The closer the time neared for her to re-enter the world or any social capacity, the more it made her cringe. Candice was hesitant to leave her house and didn’t want anyone to see her, especially in the beginning when she was still experiencing significant neck and facial swelling. She didn’t want people to look at her or even talk to her.
For weeks, Candice only saw her medical team and family. How do I face people with my newly impaired speech and my glaring scars? I didn’t see myself when I looked in the mirror. I didn’t sound like myself when I talked.
Her first re-entry was a family trip to Hawaii. Candice was still extremely sore from radiation, was taking pain medications, and required daily naps. I couldn’t have asked for a better place to rest. Hawaii is beautiful and peaceful. I dipped my toe into society again. Other than my immediate family, everyone else I encountered was a stranger. I would never see them again, so the fact that I didn’t speak well and could barely turn my head didn’t matter that much. They didn’t know what I was supposed to look and sound like.
Candice’s next big venture was a trip back home to see some more family and friends. The trip energized her. She was feeling more and more herself as each day passed. She began to enjoy herself and laughed out loud for the first time in a long time. Her next step was re-entry back to work. I love what I do and truly missed it. Luckily, I am an independent contractor, so I didn’t have to worry about job security while getting healthy. I was feeling ready to re-engage with people in a professional capacity – but it also created considerable anxiety.
What if people can’t understand her? What if they won’t trust her expertise because of her speech? What if she’s not as effective? What will people think? Candice makes her living by talking. How was this going to work? She was relieved to learn that everyone was so welcoming. She now finds that she’s listening more than talking and has gradually returned to business networking and speaking publicly, which is all moving towards building her work capacity. She’s also writing again.
Candice’s spirit is fed by human interaction, and she loves to engage with others. She could have easily curled up in the darkness of her bedroom and avoided putting herself out there. That isn’t who she is. That part of her hasn’t changed. So here she is – scars and all – venturing out of the bubble.
Now, years out from her surgery and treatments, Candice is more drawn than ever to helping others. I want to support others in building resilience.
